last turd of 2009

and man, it was awesome. soft, squishy, super and all the other positive adjectives that begin with s.

see you next year!

wheyyy,

i'm pissed and that turd was brilliant

i followed through.

guest entry #1

"jake mate, just havng a shit now, if i was to describe it as a sports make it would be slazenger x "

-alex simmonds

now, i don't really understand this metaphor at all, but it's nice to see other people dedicating time and effort into turd logs.

opening the dark portal

so, after a day-long struggle against aeonus, i finally opened the dark portal today and my oh my, what a mess i made. as my flatmates can vouch, today's cack smelled horrendous. not helped by the fact i had a curry last night, today's cack was barely solid. a deadly mixture of gas and liquid ejected from my anus and fuck, was it painful afterwards. a repeat episode of what doctors called japanese flag syndrome occured today and i've been prescribed a week long course of no spicy food.


never having a curry again.

ps. special mention for the fart i did today during that essay and the girl who obviously could smell it but didn't want to make eye contact with me because she knew how bad my arse was today.

misterF

i've just returned from turdville and today's was a weird one. it started with one of those five second farts that sound like you're firing a machine gun, followed by a surprisingly pleasant solid. not bad, if i do say so myself.

haiku

approach the bathroom
fire out a big brown missile
wet sticky toilet

Keep your cock and balls in the ride at all times.

With a nice warm enviroment thanks to central heating, this endevour would be a pleasant one for sure, not much to discuss on it really, was pretty much your average joe turd. Ripping this one up was like smoothly flying a large brown plane down a soggy landing strip, all of the passengers getting off safely, with only a few losing their luggage in the process.

woah-oh, i'm an alien.

apologies for the lack of an update this month, i've been ridiculously busy raising money for world aids day. today's cack was pretty painful, to be honest. it left my colon feeling akin to the roof of your mouth after a bowl of golden nuggets. surprisingly, however, it was softer than the average turd. kind of like one of those sticky aliens you used to buy from the newsagents when you were a kid.

today's cack also left the bathroom smelling like untreated sewage mixed with cider farts. all in all, a pretty bad day for brownkind.

I'll get you.

After a night out in manchester (In which I ate a pizza covered in peppers which I hate and half a dodgy kebab my mate tahari couldn't finish...for a reason.) I returned home hoping to settle down in a nice warm home and have myself a homely turd.

Seriously, the length of this bad boy was unbelivable, it was like looking at a brown nürburgring. On the way home i was reading the metro (which is fucking awesome) there was an article about a black kingsnake that had mistaken its own tail for another snake and tried to eat it, for a second I thought someone had snuck into the bathroom and took a sly picture of my brown offering to the porcelian gods and deemed it news worthy.