Saturday, 13 March 2010


today's cack reminded me of american legislation. specifically, the 'elephant in a mousehole' doctrine. yes, today's cack was absolutely fucking massive.

Friday, 5 March 2010


today's cack was drier than africa. seriously. it was like shitting small bits of sand, but without the fun of being able to build a sandcastle afterwards.

Thursday, 4 March 2010


carlsberg don't do shits, but if they did, they'd:
i) lose a lot of money because there plain just isn't a market for turd
ii) be fucking weird
iii) have just missed out on a fine specimen currently floating halfway down the tyne.

today's cack was so good that, if packaged, people would probably buy it as a benchmark to godly turds.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010


i have returned from a weekend of hell. the occurrences of the past weekend came as three, as they often do, and not one was an experience i wish to repeat.

the first came in the form of a deep sea diver - a turd so dense and sizeable it resulted in a tsunami of splashback- so much so, in fact, that splashback does not even begin to describe it. the resulting bathroom scene resembled haiti; disgruntled browns spread throughout wreckage.

perhaps the worst of the trio came second, the day after. after consuming a hefty amount of cheap pizza on the first day, it would have been naive of me to expect a perfect turd. the exit resembled a shotgun blast. terrible.

finally, the third triplet was reminiscent of dr. frankenstein's creation. laced with partially digested jalapeƱos, the concluding turd was like, as alluded to above, creating a monster. if it had legs it'd have climbed out the throne and consumed me whole.

i write these words not to entertain you, but to humbly ask you proceed with caution with any future ventures to the deep you may participate in.


Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Guest Update 2: 3 wipes bish, bash, bosh!

In the words of alex himself, today was the best shit of his life and he just had to blog about it.
It sounded exactly the same as when you hurl a large rock into a pond and you get both the splash and the plop. We in the business describe these as submarine turds however they can form into a houdini turd and disappear before your very eyes...