boff.

today's shit wasn't really a shit, more a condensed trump. therefore i don't think it deserves a place on the blog.

cigar?

yeah, today's shit was fucking weird. really fucking weird. you see, today's cack decided it didn't actually want to leave my anus, and thought it a much better idea to just dangle in limbo between arse and toilet. as in, my arse just decided it wanted to chill out and smoke a brown cigar for about 5 minutes. meanwhile, i was just trying to clench without getting brown cheeks. weird, man.

pete, a kebab!

so, today i took the usual journey across the hallway to the toilet, ready to do my thang when my eyes met a horrific sight. there was already a massive shit in there. floating. staring at me. needless to say i've posted a passive-agressive note on the door and hope that whoever the turd bandit is owns up because i'm absoloutely fucking brasting.

a wild diglett appears!

now, you may think from the title that today's cack was just a long brown lovable creature with a little red nose. you'd be right. at least, you'd be right up until a point. you see, once the first diglett left my anus, i knew something was wrong. i was right. it seems my diglett had recently evolved, and soon after the first had been fired out, two brethren joined it. now, i'm unsure whether you've encountered a dugtrio on your pokéjourneys, but they're pretty big. as in "michael jackson just arose from the dead and crawled out my arse" kind of big. they're angry bastards too, as you can probably see from the picture. big angry bastards. not fun.

EDIT: turns out my arse is in fact diglett's cave. in the last two hours i've had three shits. belting.

my grandad's got a blue fleece

i feel like i've just shat a medieval mace. seriously, that shit couldn't have been spikier had it tried. slightly surprised my boxers aren't doused in a mixture of blood, sweat and tears after that monstrosity.

today's turd wasn't half bad..

it was all bad! DOH HO HO HO HO HO

phanturd 2: where's it gone?!

so i've just returned from turdopolis and i'm a bit shaken by recent events. it seems i've just cracked a poodini, as it's known in the business, and i'm aghast! all that effort and no reward to reap? i call bullshit.

the only logical explanation i can think of to this is that the pagemaster urgently required a brown abortion and swept it fresh from the murky depths.

wanted for crimes against my arse

Delayed Post 2

The second turd came to me in a vision, a dream the night before. Not really, but if it did, it'd have said "Tom, I'm going to make the hiroshima bomb look like a nativity play."

Still not fully recovered from the last one I embarked on a physically and mentally gruelling journey back to the toilet, I knew I should leave it, but I really did need a cack. The good news is the turd was in one quick burst, the bad news that this special delivery tore me a new arsehole. I feel like someones rammed a postbox up my arse.

Delayed Post 1

Unfortunately due to illness I've not been able to post my last 2 brown bludgeons so this is my first delayed update to the blog.

The first one was upon returning home from manchester after drinking my own weight in homosexual cocktails and shots, as such my U-bend snake was most likely flammable, not only was it extremely hot but I had to return to the toilet 3 times in 10 minutes. Even long after my brown bretheren had escaped into the void I was feeling the after effects and thought it best to not shit for at least 2 days to avoid permenant arsehole damage.

short and sweet

well, perhaps not sweet. although i don't really know, since i didn't go fishing the u-bend for some brown trout for my tea today. regardless, today's cack was pretty short. as in, in and out in 30 seconds(in b4 one of my many readers cracks a sex joke) short.

pretty enjoyable, though obviously i didn't have time to savour it.

let's play "guess which country's flag my arsehole looks like this morning"

after consuming four mcdonald's burgers in a space of around 10 minutes last night, the result this morning was always going to be pretty obvious. i feel like i've been bummed by an indian. with a giant dick.

follow-up.

disappointed. very very disappointed indeed. i've just fired the sequel to my epic turd (documented here) out, and i'm unhappy with the results, given the earth shattering potential this load had.

firstly, there was a slight struggle to unleash the kraken- directly contrasting with its brother who slipped out with ease. once said kraken had been unleashed, i felt a sense of minor relief, thinking that the storm had passed and it was plain sailing from here onward . man, was i wrong. this was just the calm before the torrent of shit that followed.

unpleasant.

Another day, another disappointing turd.

Well as the title suggests, once again today I'm not happy with my produce, unfortunately instead of getting one single block, I got two and was traumatised by the following events which I've drawn here in this strip.

Despite this I'll post the rankings anyway:

viscosity - 3

heat - 0

length - 3 + 2

girth - 3 + 3

Overall todays turd would best be described as firing soggy bourbons into the abyss.

brantastic.

that bowl of bran flakes before bed last night was perhaps one of the greatest ideas that will grace this blog. in any case, the soft fibrous load is one which many aspire to whilst on the throne. today's turd was just that. beautiful in its execution; it left my anus quicker than you could say "sudowoodo".

it's unusual for me to talk about a shit for more than two paragraphs, alas, this one definitely deserves it. potentially the greatest dump i've ever parted ways with, this one scores high in everything.

New Site Mascot

After much debate (Me deciding on my own) I present our blog mascot, I think everyone can agree he's perfectly appropriate.

Strongbow.

Due to the heavy consumption of Strongbow last night, today's turd smelled strongly of cider and was a pretty uncomfortable experience.

Rankings:

viscosity - 8

heat - 7

length - 4

girth - 5

Overall, today's cack could be related to a firey toffee crisp that had been doused in cider.

monday, sixteenth november, two thousand and nine

welcome to my turd blog. this is where i'll be documenting details of all the shits i'll be having in the upcoming weeks.

today's rankings:

viscosity - 7

heat - 2

length - 5

girth - 3

today's cack was pretty good- slid out like a brown eel.