Saturday, 11 June 2011


I befouled the british sewage system with what I could only describe as an atrocity today. I might as well have ate 10 jugs donner meat swimming in the hottest curry sauce imaginable. It was more like 10 weeks worth of shit had penciled me in for the 10th of july, bent me over then shafted my arsehole into submission because I think its going to be at least a week before its returned to an acceptable shape, I might as well be hiding a ming vase in my arse.

Thursday, 13 May 2010

bloody hell.

returned from the throne about fifteen minutes ago and i'm still trembling slightly. after the consumption of a couple of pepperamis and a nice pint of stout last night, my anus is feeling slightly worse for wear, due to a particularly spiky turd earlier in the day. standard fare after pub snacks, i didn't think too much of it. just nipped to the bog for my second of the day, two wipes later and i'm in a little pain. obviously following standard procedure, i take a safety wipe, and lo and behold, a little speck of blood on the paper. great.

Saturday, 24 April 2010


after yesterday's tragedy, you'd think it'd be a safe assumption that today's cack would be an improvement. think again. it was like sucking a golf ball through a hose.

Friday, 23 April 2010


i hate cider shits. I HATE CIDER SHITS. you could literally have sieved the contents of my arse today and probably have ended up with something of comparable quality to frosty jack's. I FUCKING HATE CIDER SHITS.

Friday, 16 April 2010


today's cack reminded me of war reenactments, where my arse played the part of the nazi bombers blitzing down brown bombs, and the cistern adopting the role of mainland europe, accepting them unwillingly.

Saturday, 13 March 2010


today's cack reminded me of american legislation. specifically, the 'elephant in a mousehole' doctrine. yes, today's cack was absolutely fucking massive.

Friday, 5 March 2010


today's cack was drier than africa. seriously. it was like shitting small bits of sand, but without the fun of being able to build a sandcastle afterwards.