last turd of 2009

and man, it was awesome. soft, squishy, super and all the other positive adjectives that begin with s.

see you next year!

wheyyy,

i'm pissed and that turd was brilliant

i followed through.

guest entry #1

"jake mate, just havng a shit now, if i was to describe it as a sports make it would be slazenger x "

-alex simmonds

now, i don't really understand this metaphor at all, but it's nice to see other people dedicating time and effort into turd logs.

opening the dark portal

so, after a day-long struggle against aeonus, i finally opened the dark portal today and my oh my, what a mess i made. as my flatmates can vouch, today's cack smelled horrendous. not helped by the fact i had a curry last night, today's cack was barely solid. a deadly mixture of gas and liquid ejected from my anus and fuck, was it painful afterwards. a repeat episode of what doctors called japanese flag syndrome occured today and i've been prescribed a week long course of no spicy food.


never having a curry again.

ps. special mention for the fart i did today during that essay and the girl who obviously could smell it but didn't want to make eye contact with me because she knew how bad my arse was today.

misterF

i've just returned from turdville and today's was a weird one. it started with one of those five second farts that sound like you're firing a machine gun, followed by a surprisingly pleasant solid. not bad, if i do say so myself.

haiku

approach the bathroom
fire out a big brown missile
wet sticky toilet

Keep your cock and balls in the ride at all times.

With a nice warm enviroment thanks to central heating, this endevour would be a pleasant one for sure, not much to discuss on it really, was pretty much your average joe turd. Ripping this one up was like smoothly flying a large brown plane down a soggy landing strip, all of the passengers getting off safely, with only a few losing their luggage in the process.

woah-oh, i'm an alien.

apologies for the lack of an update this month, i've been ridiculously busy raising money for world aids day. today's cack was pretty painful, to be honest. it left my colon feeling akin to the roof of your mouth after a bowl of golden nuggets. surprisingly, however, it was softer than the average turd. kind of like one of those sticky aliens you used to buy from the newsagents when you were a kid.

today's cack also left the bathroom smelling like untreated sewage mixed with cider farts. all in all, a pretty bad day for brownkind.

I'll get you.

After a night out in manchester (In which I ate a pizza covered in peppers which I hate and half a dodgy kebab my mate tahari couldn't finish...for a reason.) I returned home hoping to settle down in a nice warm home and have myself a homely turd.

Seriously, the length of this bad boy was unbelivable, it was like looking at a brown nürburgring. On the way home i was reading the metro (which is fucking awesome) there was an article about a black kingsnake that had mistaken its own tail for another snake and tried to eat it, for a second I thought someone had snuck into the bathroom and took a sly picture of my brown offering to the porcelian gods and deemed it news worthy.

boff.

today's shit wasn't really a shit, more a condensed trump. therefore i don't think it deserves a place on the blog.

cigar?

yeah, today's shit was fucking weird. really fucking weird. you see, today's cack decided it didn't actually want to leave my anus, and thought it a much better idea to just dangle in limbo between arse and toilet. as in, my arse just decided it wanted to chill out and smoke a brown cigar for about 5 minutes. meanwhile, i was just trying to clench without getting brown cheeks. weird, man.

pete, a kebab!

so, today i took the usual journey across the hallway to the toilet, ready to do my thang when my eyes met a horrific sight. there was already a massive shit in there. floating. staring at me. needless to say i've posted a passive-agressive note on the door and hope that whoever the turd bandit is owns up because i'm absoloutely fucking brasting.

a wild diglett appears!

now, you may think from the title that today's cack was just a long brown lovable creature with a little red nose. you'd be right. at least, you'd be right up until a point. you see, once the first diglett left my anus, i knew something was wrong. i was right. it seems my diglett had recently evolved, and soon after the first had been fired out, two brethren joined it. now, i'm unsure whether you've encountered a dugtrio on your pokéjourneys, but they're pretty big. as in "michael jackson just arose from the dead and crawled out my arse" kind of big. they're angry bastards too, as you can probably see from the picture. big angry bastards. not fun.

EDIT: turns out my arse is in fact diglett's cave. in the last two hours i've had three shits. belting.

my grandad's got a blue fleece

i feel like i've just shat a medieval mace. seriously, that shit couldn't have been spikier had it tried. slightly surprised my boxers aren't doused in a mixture of blood, sweat and tears after that monstrosity.

today's turd wasn't half bad..

it was all bad! DOH HO HO HO HO HO

phanturd 2: where's it gone?!

so i've just returned from turdopolis and i'm a bit shaken by recent events. it seems i've just cracked a poodini, as it's known in the business, and i'm aghast! all that effort and no reward to reap? i call bullshit.

the only logical explanation i can think of to this is that the pagemaster urgently required a brown abortion and swept it fresh from the murky depths.

wanted for crimes against my arse

Delayed Post 2

The second turd came to me in a vision, a dream the night before. Not really, but if it did, it'd have said "Tom, I'm going to make the hiroshima bomb look like a nativity play."

Still not fully recovered from the last one I embarked on a physically and mentally gruelling journey back to the toilet, I knew I should leave it, but I really did need a cack. The good news is the turd was in one quick burst, the bad news that this special delivery tore me a new arsehole. I feel like someones rammed a postbox up my arse.

Delayed Post 1

Unfortunately due to illness I've not been able to post my last 2 brown bludgeons so this is my first delayed update to the blog.

The first one was upon returning home from manchester after drinking my own weight in homosexual cocktails and shots, as such my U-bend snake was most likely flammable, not only was it extremely hot but I had to return to the toilet 3 times in 10 minutes. Even long after my brown bretheren had escaped into the void I was feeling the after effects and thought it best to not shit for at least 2 days to avoid permenant arsehole damage.

short and sweet

well, perhaps not sweet. although i don't really know, since i didn't go fishing the u-bend for some brown trout for my tea today. regardless, today's cack was pretty short. as in, in and out in 30 seconds(in b4 one of my many readers cracks a sex joke) short.

pretty enjoyable, though obviously i didn't have time to savour it.

let's play "guess which country's flag my arsehole looks like this morning"

after consuming four mcdonald's burgers in a space of around 10 minutes last night, the result this morning was always going to be pretty obvious. i feel like i've been bummed by an indian. with a giant dick.

follow-up.

disappointed. very very disappointed indeed. i've just fired the sequel to my epic turd (documented here) out, and i'm unhappy with the results, given the earth shattering potential this load had.

firstly, there was a slight struggle to unleash the kraken- directly contrasting with its brother who slipped out with ease. once said kraken had been unleashed, i felt a sense of minor relief, thinking that the storm had passed and it was plain sailing from here onward . man, was i wrong. this was just the calm before the torrent of shit that followed.

unpleasant.

Another day, another disappointing turd.

Well as the title suggests, once again today I'm not happy with my produce, unfortunately instead of getting one single block, I got two and was traumatised by the following events which I've drawn here in this strip.

Despite this I'll post the rankings anyway:

viscosity - 3

heat - 0

length - 3 + 2

girth - 3 + 3

Overall todays turd would best be described as firing soggy bourbons into the abyss.

brantastic.

that bowl of bran flakes before bed last night was perhaps one of the greatest ideas that will grace this blog. in any case, the soft fibrous load is one which many aspire to whilst on the throne. today's turd was just that. beautiful in its execution; it left my anus quicker than you could say "sudowoodo".

it's unusual for me to talk about a shit for more than two paragraphs, alas, this one definitely deserves it. potentially the greatest dump i've ever parted ways with, this one scores high in everything.

New Site Mascot

After much debate (Me deciding on my own) I present our blog mascot, I think everyone can agree he's perfectly appropriate.

Strongbow.

Due to the heavy consumption of Strongbow last night, today's turd smelled strongly of cider and was a pretty uncomfortable experience.

Rankings:

viscosity - 8

heat - 7

length - 4

girth - 5

Overall, today's cack could be related to a firey toffee crisp that had been doused in cider.

monday, sixteenth november, two thousand and nine

welcome to my turd blog. this is where i'll be documenting details of all the shits i'll be having in the upcoming weeks.

today's rankings:

viscosity - 7

heat - 2

length - 5

girth - 3

today's cack was pretty good- slid out like a brown eel.