i have returned from a weekend of hell. the occurrences of the past weekend came as three, as they often do, and not one was an experience i wish to repeat.
the first came in the form of a deep sea diver - a turd so dense and sizeable it resulted in a tsunami of splashback- so much so, in fact, that splashback does not even begin to describe it. the resulting bathroom scene resembled haiti; disgruntled browns spread throughout wreckage.
perhaps the worst of the trio came second, the day after. after consuming a hefty amount of cheap pizza on the first day, it would have been naive of me to expect a perfect turd. the exit resembled a shotgun blast. terrible.
finally, the third triplet was reminiscent of dr. frankenstein's creation. laced with partially digested jalapeños, the concluding turd was like, as alluded to above, creating a monster. if it had legs it'd have climbed out the throne and consumed me whole.
i write these words not to entertain you, but to humbly ask you proceed with caution with any future ventures to the deep you may participate in.